Oroku Saki is GAY
by B. Murakawa
Summary: Michelangelo has a website. Absolute power corrupts absolutely.
1. HOME

Notes: this is just what I speculate any website by Michelangelo might contain. But I don't know. He might dedicate webspace to the glories of pizza.

Disclaimer: though I tend to believe that certain characters, having become an integral part

of our cultural identity, should be considered public domain just for the convenience of...

well, me...REGARDLESS! I do not own Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Michelangelo, or any other

affiliated trademark etc. etc. etc., they belong to Eastman and Laird and all those coporate types.

**Oroku Saki is GAY and will be banished when Klunk is King**

HOME

Hi! My name (and I don't really think I need much of an introduction, but for those of you that

have been living in a remote Indonesian cave for the last two decades, I shall comply gladly :D )

is Hamato Michelangelo, and I now have internet access. Yes, at last the world wide web has

discovered its true raison d'etre, namely, hosting my new website. Which I control. Absolutely.

Like a god. Bwahahaha.

A few vital statistics--

Age: 15, but oh, so worldly.

Sex: my Y chromosome is bigger than Harrison Ford's and also Raphael's. This is why I

find his overt attempts to project a macho persona so pathetic. :)

Species: anthropomorphic turtle?

Occupation: super skilled ninja, 1337 hx0R, Battle Nexus Champion, chef...I am a turtle

of many talents. Need I go on?

Strengths: everything.

Weaknesses: a pretty face, and nothing else ;P

But enough about me. The main purpose of this website, aside from providing yours

truly with a somewhat credible excuse to steal the computer from Nerdotello, is to discuss

the intricasies of an issue which has become increasingly more disturbing

through the passage of time. That is...

Oroku Saki is GAY.

No, not homosexually inclined like the cool, liberated archetypes that grace daytime

television with their...liberatedness...but GAY in it's most undiluted meaning.

Webster defines GAY as (adjective); so lacking in coolness as to have created a vortex of

negative energy which detracts from the coolness of everything sucked into its uncool

(and also gay) depths.

I may have paraphrased a bit, but I think I have made my point.

So. Will and Grace-- gay, but not GAY.

The Shredder-- definitely GAY and stinky, too.

LINKS

Home /

My Ninjas /

Klunk is King /

The GAY Project /

What Donnie Said /

Email? Plz? (nunchakuking at animail dot net)


	2. MY NINJAS

**Oroku Saki is GAY and will be banished when Klunk is King**

MY NINJAS

Name: Hamato Leonardo

Age: no one knows for sure, but I'm leaning towards 41 based on forehead wrinkles

Sex: no girl could be as smelly as Leo after a three hour workout. It is not possible.

Species: anthropomorphic turtle/marble statue hybrid

Occupation: leader, student, brother, blah blah blah

Strengths: overcoming the tedium of meditation and endlessly repeating katas; having no sense of humor (Leo's the best at this); burning toast

Weaknesses: OCD (he hasn't started counting bricks yet. Still, it's only a matter of time...)

Name: Hamato Retardation Steroid Abuse Maria Raphael (Raph for short)

Age: I think it's in the negatives...gestation?

Sex: I'd better quit questioning his testosterone levels, because if Raph ever seriously finds this site I am a dead turtle. For the record, you are so manly, Raphael. SO manly.

Species: same as me, roughly

Occupation: professional butt-hole...I kid, I kid! You are the Ass-Kicker of the family, Raph. But I am still the Battle Nexus Champion.

Strengths: bending bad guys into those funny pretzel shapes that really should be impossible but oddly aren't (gushing blood and snapping tendons aside)

Weaknesses: oversleeping and, conversely, insomnia. Lunesta, Raph? We could raid a pharmacy. I could get some Ritalin. Everyone wins. :)

Name: Hamato Donatello (aka mAdhX0r84)

Age: 15, but I really think he lies to the ladies

Sex: Male, and there is no doubt.

Species: anthropomorphic turtle/pimp daddy hybrid

Occupation: computer hacker (though to a lesser degree than moi), mechanical engineer, psuedo-doctor--WTF, who cares? Donnie is a total pimp and that is ALL THAT MATTERS. :(

Strengths: I'll be honest; Donnie is my hero. I mean, yeah, Leo's all spiritual and protective and responsible, and Raph's tuff and gruff, but deep down a good brother...but if I could choose to switch places for one day (any longer, I simply could not stand the separation from my wonderful self) with any one of my bros, it would hands down be Don. Because he is a pimp. And it is not fair. Not only does he get to be the actual genius (as opposed to the "unappreciated genius" I am), but every female we meet is at least on a subconscious level, if not an OUTRIGHT level, attracted to him. Why, I must ask? Why?

Weaknesses: he doesn't know I'm the one that eats his Cheetohs and drinks all his Mountain Dew. Bwahahaha! :)

Name: Hamato Splinter-Sensei

Age: I dunno, close to a hundred

Sex: Male.

Species: anthropomorphic rat

Occupation: master and stuff

Strengths: Master Splinter...is there nothing you can't do?

Weaknesses: hmm...birthday cake. That's pretty much it, though.

LINKS

Home /

My Ninjas /

Klunk is King /

The GAY Project /

What Donnie Said /

Email? Plz? (nunchakuking at animail dot net)


	3. KLUNK IS KING

**Oroku Saki is GAY and will be banished when Klunk is King**

KLUNK IS KING

I had what I guess could be considered a prophetic dream, which is kinda badass because that means I might be the Chosen One, if it weren't for the fact that the dream was about Klunk. Just Klunk and me, staring at each other, and then he started to talk. In my head. Er. Anyway, this is what he said:

"We would just like to point out that we do not necessarily support Michelangelo's beliefs regarding our clan's sworn (and now purportedly deceased) enemy, Oroku Saki, aka The Shredder. This is mainly due to the fact that we don't understand Michelangelo's references to non-feline sexuality, but also because we think our servant has been spending an inordinate amount of time dwelling on the so-called "Gayness" of a dead ninja when he could be passing that time more productively with us...namely, scratching us just there, behind our left ear. Yes, thank you."

At this point, I finished scratching his ear and woke up and here's the wierdest part: Klunk was on my bed, just. Looking at me. So I felt I had better make him his own little section on my website. Just in case.

LINKS

Home /

My Ninjas /

Klunk is King /

The GAY Project /

What Donnie Said /

Email? Plz? (nunchakuking at animail dot net)


End file.
